Visions of Johanna

The duality of all things

2011-11-26T20:39:00.001Z

The last few months have been cram-packed full of lovely things. Too much to mention...as I always say.

Pain of Salvation were pretty spiffing in London...even if they were received very poorly by a crowd full of pretentious death metal fans who think that anyone who sings and doesn't growl is a 'pussy'. And that is not speculation, I spoke to plenty of them that night. Sadly. Bloody great night though.

I have learned recently that having childcare qualifications doesn't make people good with children or even particularly capable of looking after them. I think it's probably personality traits and wisdom that are key (And just to clarify, this is not about any one person in particular - I know several people who have qualified in childcare/teaching, etc and are awesome with kids - just some things I've noticed from a number of different places and situations).

My blue-eyed boy bought me surprise Manic Street Preacher tickets for my birthday. Oh yes. Because I'm awesome and evidently so is he! Strange, one of the brightest parts of my present reconnecting me with the dark threads of my past. 'This is the past that's mine'. It's the show they're playing in London where they shall be blessing (and educating) our ears and souls with every single they've released. All 38 of them. I think it's 38...

It seems that to be friends with someone and to keep a grasp of their loyalty...you need to see them more than several times a month, regardless of what else you have going on in your life. Therefore...rendering 'loyaly' null and void surely? I'll explain, There are some people I see once every few months and still feel as close to them as ever, every time I see them. And then there are others who I have been ridiculously close to, and they seem cold and clammy (err!) whenever I see them recently. As though I have betrayed them somehow. I'm afraid life doesn't really work like that for me. I've learned an immense amount about friendship over the past two years. And my life is better for it.

Quote of the week from random Irish sitcom:
'Step away...from the feckin' vehicle' I'm going to say that to the next person who tries to threaten or intimidate me. :-P

I'll stop with the wittering now.

Something I said

2011-09-30T20:21:00.000+01:00

Something I find annoying: when people who have never been/never go to church/never read the bible insist on getting married in a church. Why why why? It's like...dressing up as a penguin and going to sit in a zoo. Because that's what everyone else is doing. Or something. Not that I'm a Christian as we all very well know, I just cannot stand it when people dress themselves up in an idea that they have no real grasp of, no true belief in.

Something I find wonderful: Road Salt Two. Lots of suspected storylines (ooh that's right, I said it - yes, I do believe Road Salt One and Road Salt Two to be concept albums (the modern definition of a concept album with an actual tale to be told) rather than just thematic masterpieces: have THAT you poncy, pretentious, painfully-tedious prog elitists!) confirmed from RS1. Listening to Road Salt Two is like watching a large building collapsing. With memory-invoking pictures smashed to the floor and rooms falling in on themselves, foundations of a life turning to dust and grey and rubble, a landscape changed forever.

Something I am enjoying immensely: Mr. Doyle. Yes yes, I know...I usually only get soppy about the children in my life, but James Doyle has one of the most beautiful souls I have ever encountered. And I've done nothing to deserve it or what we have between us. How strange to hold something so fragile and delicate yet so strong at the same time in the palm of my hands. In our hands.

Something I should be doing right now: Housework. *yawn*. I'm so glad that I live in the 21st Century right now - there's nothing worse than the prospect of building a giant housewife-shaped coffin to fester away and die in.

Something I can't be bothered to do right now: Complete this blog entry.

OMGZ!! EYM SO FUNNAY!!!!111one

..Shut up.

Quite frankly, my dear...

2011-09-09T15:43:00.001+01:00

...I've left it too long since my last blog post. There are too many things to update you with so I shall just continue as I am...vague, nonchalant towards my poor readers, forever floating in a sea of apathy. Apathy towards the internet that is, nothing else.

I want a Slow Loris, and if I don't get one for my birthday I'l scweam and scweam! ...Or maybe I'll just shrug my shoulders and resign myself to another birthday full of non-events. Although last year's birthday did include one of the most wonderful gifts I've ever received thanks to Zak and James. Anyway, here is what you will buy me on 15th November:

(and the umbrella too)

But seriously, my birthday plans so far consist of a Pain of Salvation/Opeth concert and then a weekend in Eastbourne. For once, I am genuinely looking forward to a birthday.

Life is pretty amazing, I just wish I didn't get so tired so easily. I could fall asleep anywhere, anytime. And I eat all my fruit and vegetables too!

It was Benathon's birthday (one of my amazing nephews) yesterday and apparently he came downstairs in the morning and asked miserably where 'the sock thing' was. Aww, that's Christmas, you adorable little sillyman! <3 Love him. Plus, he called me 'your majesty' on the phone last night. Kids fucking rule.

That'll be all for now, happy campers.

Also...

2011-06-29T23:33:00.002+01:00

...I would quite like to live in a Richard Dadd painting.

'Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.'

2011-06-29T23:16:00.001+01:00

I'll start by telling all you lovely people that the other day I watched a few episodes of 'ridiculouslyparanoidandself-centeredvacuouswomen and the city' for the first time in about three years. I have a totally different perspective on that program these days and end up sympathising with the men most of the time - that poor Mr. Big who was so patient with Carrie's constant whining and over-evaluating of NOTHING (not that I can talk about the over-evaluating, but I don't get carried away with a random thought and decide he DOESN'T LOVE ME BECAUSE HE DIDN'T SAY 'I LOVE YOU TOO' WHEN HE WAS IN A RUSH SAYING GOODBYE ON THE PHONE!') and, frankly, I have no idea how he put up with it which leads me to the concluson that women are just fucking mental. Actuuuaaaally mental.

Lots of nice musical things have happened lately.

My dog had to die. I cried. He was the best dog ever. :(

I don't know what I've done to deserve such a wonderful boy but there he is, standing there in his boots with his big grins and his musicalness. Like a little bundle of happiness and calm for Joanna. This is what it's supposed to be like, isn't it?

The last couple of weeks have consisted of...*deep breath*...visits and utterly lovely times at Shell's parents' house, watching some local wrestling (interesting how the group of guys sitting near us were commenting on the performance, technique, character, and entertaining qualities of the male wrestlers, but only had comments on the appearance of the female wrestlers. Aside from that innevitable letdown from the human race, it was an exciting experience which I will definitely do again! I like a room full of testosterone and sweat, so's I do), continental breakfasts with Jamesface Cookenblau III esq., been to Thorpe Park and went mental on the Saw ride and Colossus (hell yeah!): by the end of the day we looked like shit but were beaming with sunshine from our little faces, sadly had to miss Becca's Butlins Bridesmaid Bash weekend - I'm not enjoying this budgeting malarkey but if I want free time and a bit of peace for my soul I need to compromise my working hours somewhat (I have my bridesmaid dress fitting next week though so that'll be more than fun, innit!), had my feet nibbled by fish and a lovely lunch with mummy Kaykay, as always loads of nice trips to Kev and Shell's with James and my little brother....and I suppose that's about it.

Am I the only person who thinks that doll is just a bit too cute to be scary? No? Just me?

And now I am making something birthdaylike and surprisey which I bloodywell hope turns out okay. And cakeybakey times on the morrow after work. Life has picked up a pace again which needed to happen.

Also, I'd just like to say that Adele's voice is enchantingly soulful and seeped in emotion. It's a shame I don't like a massive amount of her music. And I kinda wish she'd sing about some issues other than love. Because that voice could tell some stories.

That'll be all.

'You've brought back an excitement and curiosity into my life that I thought I'd lost forever.' <3

'And all my armour falling down in a pile at my feet...'

2011-06-09T15:02:00.001+01:00

2011-05-27T17:49:00.000+01:00

'And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.'

Drums like heartbeats

2011-05-13T18:46:00.001+01:00

Last week a colleague and I took some people to a club called Jumpin' Jacks. It was their learning disabilities night and it was PACKED. The moment that pumping music with your bog-standard basic beats (you know, the usual pop/club crap) started thumping out of the speakers, people's bodies began moving. Now several of the people there were really quite advanced with their disability and had no communcation skills whatsoever but they still felt the music and moved their bodies to it, almost involuntarily...and it got me thinking of when I hear a winding, sexy eastern drum beat, or a full-on inyerface metal drum solo: my hips can't help but move. It just goes to show that however detached or attached we are from our own societies, we are still truly 'as one' sometimes, and it also goes to show how fucking amazing music is and how if there has been anything close to miraculous during our thousands of tumultuous years on this doomed planet...then that thing is music. Melodies like blood running through veins. Drums like heartbeats.

So, things have been strangely shit and strangely awesome. Everything is black and white all at the same time. Some new things have happened, and some things that are all too familiar and old. It depresses me how clinically people look at things sometimes.

Also, it's all a bit new and strange to trust someone instantly in that way. Am I foolish? Or just lucky? He has a beautiful heart which kind of...shines. I'm used to hearts of all different colours, but not shiny ones! That probably makes sense only to me...shut up Joanna. Strange how it all happened. How he crept inside my head without me really knowing. Sneaky little shit.

The days move a bit too slowly at the moment; it can be frustrating waiting for depleted energies to creep back into the blue. But I need to look after myself. And that I shall do.

Louis Wain's descent into madness and psychosis: fascinating how indicative this simple set of images is of how our view of things around us can become blurred and obscured so very easily...

'Doubt seperates people. It is the poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts.'

2011-05-02T18:22:00.000+01:00

Dynamics change. People behave strangely. Things slip through fingers. Things fall apart.

Oftentimes the best things in life destroy themselves from the inside.

Gushing is nature's way of celebrating excess. That's my excuse anyway.

2011-04-24T19:45:00.001+01:00

It's Easter. And I don't care about Easter. Or Zombie Jesus. Have that.

Today happiness sounds like:
Camille O'Sullivan.
and
King Diamond.
Just so you know.

I have had an endoftheweek full of musical goodness. Thursday saw Khthon battle it out for their Bloodstock chances and I must say I actually quite enjoyed the dooooooooomness of it all. Needless to say they won and are now in the semi-finals. Well done Mr. Doomwizard \m/. Then Friday was the Electric Circus: another amazing night...probably the best yet actually. Even if the local riverside Gnats feasted heartily on my upper thighs *sigh*. (And check out the awesome review: Click or die.) Dogtown burst my eardrums (in a good way). Then Brides of Rain soothed and excited my soul to the point where my hips, in the end, actually had a mind of their own; sway, sway, jiggle, grind. The metal and ethnic drumming, melodies that lift you away to other lands and planes, the texture of their sound, and the spirit and energy that they weave just takes me right to my primal core.

Which perhaps brings me to say how proud I am of my amazing friends. James and Kevin, not only are you the two best friends anyone could ever wish for but you are also two of the most creative and talented people I have ever met. You never fail to inspire me. I won't gush too much...when I moved back to Kent I was apprehensive about whether I would settle back into an old circle of friends or whether I'd be bored of the area again straight away. There were big chunks of myself that I thought had died, never to return. And James (and very recently Kev alongside him) brought them back to life. No matter what happens, who lets me down, where I am headed in life, I can always count on you two for continued support, encouragement, ABSOLUTE understanding, hours of hysterical laughter, intellectual stimulation (*snigger*), honesty (to the point of bluntness...not that I can talk :p), in-jokes, patience, and a comfort I have never had with friends before, and never thought possible. You keep me from that slow boat to China. We're like the guys from A Home At The End of The World. Except I promise I won't have a baby and then fuck off.

Also worthy of note: it isn't wise to attempt to step on a Scorpio. Because we sting.

Try getting a policeman in an envelope. You'll see what I mean.

2011-04-14T14:35:00.000+01:00

Well, well, well...it's been quite some time Mr. Blog, has it not?

Before we start, I would just like to say that Killing Joke make life better. There is no question or argument about it. They just do.

So in short, my last month and a half has consisted of lovely days in London (a pub with a tree in it and that sells Kopparburg - what more could a girl wish for?); a sponsored walk for Autism in Richmond Park (I raised over 80 quid - get in!), several Brass Band concerts all over ze places (one of which we travelled to in a fish van...yep, a van made of fish...or so it smelt. Grim.); nice family times with the best sisters, brothers, and niece and nephews in the world EVER - fact; Elgar's Dream of Gerontius in Maidstone, Carol's leaving 'do', many evenings and nights at Kev and Shell's having a ruddy blast! Don't mind if I do!; Bluewater (yuk); making lovely new doomy friends; swimming; dinner parties; and knuckling down into some artwork properly. Good and proper. Yes.

Alsooooo, The Electric Circus happened, so's it did, with Brides of Rain who simply made the night glitter and shine and dazzle: I got lost in the wonderful mixture of modern and ancient sounds created by some very talented local musicians. I am not feeling very poetic today, I'm afraid, so you won't get any magical descriptions about them just yet. No sir! Anyway, here they are: Clicky McClickerson - Brides of Rain

I am a big spluttering sicky today which explains the fact that I actually have time to update my blog. Ooh and to create a Twitter account. Which I will undoubtedly use intensely for a week and then forget all about.

Here, have some music:

Nice bit of social commentary there. Well done Polly.

Ciao!

What would I be without my friends?

2011-02-27T01:31:00.000Z

My friends. My amazing friends. They enrich my life and bring me joy daily. And I'm the luckiest girl alive to have the people in my life that I do. Thank you.

Titles are for wimps and posers. And mice.

2011-02-19T22:21:00.002Z

During the early noughties I would update my blog almost every day. On one hand, the fact that I no longer do this is a good indication that my life is busy and buzzing and bustling and any other 'b' synonyms you can think of. On the other hand, I find myself sitting here after two weeks of activity wondering how I'm going to sum everything up in a relatively coherent and/or interesting way. Don't get me wrong: I do mainly write these blogs for myself to look back on, but whoever is reading it (even if that is me in ten years) needs to be entertained to some degree, otherwise...well....I suppose my litle brain concludes that that would make the writer boring. And frankly, I can't think of much worse than being boring. Rape? Pah. Mass Genocide? Kid's stuff. Justin Beiber?....okay, maybe he is worse than plain boringness.

Shut up and get on with your update, dickhead.

I've had a day out with my Father: we went for lunch in Ash, walked around Hartley (where my dad told me about my great-grandfather who died from being kicked in the testicles by a cow. Don't tell me not to laugh. It won't work. That is just funny. I give you permission to laugh also, dear reader), and showed me where he went to school in Gravesend. Whilst in Gravesend he told me a story of an old woman who lived on the corner by the quay: she used to shout at all the schoolkids walking past, and angrily shake a wooden spoon or various other kitchen implements at them. This is also funny. Though I was somewhat disappointed to learn that she did not throw poo or manky cats at them. Mad old women come in various forms though. It is important to remember that.

I've attended a Zumba class. Hmm. Yeah but no.

'We're kissing the lips of strangers

we're hugging whoever next we meet
Oh life, I love you to my bones'

Sadly said goodbye to the best Manager I've ever worked for. I am sad to see Carol leave. She was like a strong tower in the middle of a field of forlorn jesters and manic goats. I don't really know about the jesters or the goats actually....the tower just made my imagination spiral. I like the imagery however, so I'm going to keep this metaphor, however innacurate it might be. So there.

'Man, everything's just so simple

when you're laughing until your face is sore

Oh life, I love you to my bones'

Spent the most wonderful two days in London. Rob Zombie (hell yeaaaah!), fantastic new friends, lunch and wine in Covent Garden (during which, James and I looked at each other and both said that this is what life should be like all the time. And it's true. Because we're the best), chainsaw jugglers with pink pants, drinks on the Southbank, hotel room visitors (no, no hookers - I am referring to the MOUSE. Yes, the mouse), then back home to relaxy times and visits to the Fluff-monster's flat of doom and cats and japes. I felt free and my spirit was completely at ease for the first time in months. I am free when shackled to the road (thanks Frank). Sadly, it all had to finish and I ended up having a shitwanking day at work. Still. I don't care enough to winge about it so that's all you need to know. And no, I'm not in trouble! I 'have my head screwed on'. To which my father replied 'yes, it's just the wrong way round'. Thanks Daddy!

'I've got punch lines and fisty-cuffs
and tons and tons of love'

Yeah, life. We like it. This is one of the songs that sums up my week (ironically it's by Wallis Bird who James randomly bumped into at the bar at the Rob Zombie gig. Well, that was unexpected.).This is dedicated to all my lovely friends who made my week so fantastic. And to life. To life. L'Chaim!

2011-02-04T12:29:00.002Z

Lots of girls don't like me.

This is fine.

'There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle: the other is as though everything is a miracle.'

2011-02-03T01:37:00.003Z

Someone PLEASE give me a link for a website that sells decent heavy metal t-shirts for girls. I'm sick of modifying all my man-shaped ones. And I mean decent heavy metal band t-shirts....as a girl it seems the only bands I am expected to like are Nightwish, Green Day, and fucking HIM. Fuck. Off. We're not all dribbling Twilight and Kerrang junkies! SOME OF US ARE INTO THE GOOD STUFF YOU KNOW! I do not like Avenged Shitfold or Buttlick for my Valentine. All I want in life is a lovely King Diamond 'Abigail' t-shirt. Is that really too much to ask for? :(

I suppose it's about time for an actual update. I have a headache but seeing as you're all a bit special (do I mean that in a good or a bad way? That's for me to know, ahah!..) I'll recap my last couple of weeks. Just a bit.

Here you are:
+ I have had uber-relaxy, family, Abigaily-birthday times in Reading. That weekend made me realise that my family life is exactly how I've always wanted it to be: fun, relaxing, and smiley. Then I did the same thing in Wolverhampton with other family-types and lovely friends, all of whom I miss muchly. Pubs. Dinners and lunches out. Lots of giggles. Crazy dogs. Awesome kids. Sarah-times (FINALLY! And much needed, might I add!). My little Benathon making me dress up as a sheep (in his aged-5 sheep costume! That's right): the things I do for that boy.

+ I attended the third Electric Circus with the best band line-up yet. Dogtown, Datura, and Cavalcade. I danced my little heart out, met some new cool people, and laughed a lot. I also got lost in the music of Cavalcade, as always.

+ Obee's birthday party in Rochester: I haven't laughed that much in a long time. Much hilarity took place. Which I have on camera - that's right Natalie, I'm looking at you! Sexy cocktails. Getting to know the lovely Caroline a bit better.

+ Smashing giggle-times with James and Zak. They're my homies.

+ Trips all over London visiting some of my grandparents' properties and the exact spot where my Father proposed to my Mother. I never met my grandparents so it was all a bit interesting to get a glimpse into who they were and what their lives had been like. Also, I now want to live in a posh London townhouse. Claaaaassy!

This has been a shallow entry. (Ooh err!)

Have some music: (please ignore the cheesey picture. I just have to put this piece of music out there. Yes.)

'The beast is loose in the streets of Bethlehem, the rats are in the corn'

2011-01-18T00:57:00.003Z

For some reason somebody left a light bulb standing upright on the toilet cistern, and nobody in my house got the joke when I asked if the toilet had had a really good idea. :-(

Last week I did the joyously narcissistic thing of searching for songs with my name in them. I'm so vain, I probably think those songs are about me. Oh shut up, Joanna. So yeah, to be honest, hearing songs with my name in freaks me out a little bit (okay, almost to the point of mania in some cases - The one from Sweeney Todd, par example. Though I won't pretend the line 'I'll steal you' isn't a little bit...thrilling.*). I remember when I was a kid my parents bought me a personalised book with a story about me inside, and it freaked me out so much that I ripped it up in panic and disgust. Anyway, my search came to a definitive end once I got to a horrible song by a band called Watashi-Wa (described as 'Christian Pop Punk' – oh, is there anything worse?). I got so annoyed at the state of the human race and their feeble attempts to make music for the sake of it that I simply had to walk away from the whole enterprise.

On a different tone, so many people have died in the last two weeks. And so many of my friends are in pain or trouble. There's something bleak under the surface of this week's waters that I can't quite put my finger on. Not just for me and my peeps (Peeps? Really?), but for human beans in general. Hmm.

Also, as a side note, I have absolutely no patience for little boys with big egos. Don't think I haven't got my guard up. And don't think that I don't know exactly how to handle people like you. Ooh, cryptic!

As of Friday I shall be adventuring around the country. And it's about time: I've left it far too long this time. Any Place But Here - though I tend to feel like that if I'm anywhere for more than a couple of months. I need a job where I can travel the world. What a shame I'm so rubbish with languages!

Something to ponder on this week is a quote from Steven King's Pet Cemetery: 'the soil of a man's heart is stonier'. I tend to agree, but not in a bitter feminist way. It isn't necessarily a bad thing. Maybe it's more to do with having more solid ground to walk over in today's society. Or maybe it refers to men having a different kind of strength to that of women.

You don't get any pictures today because you've all been bad. BAD! Go to your rooms.

*I'd just like to point out that that doesn't mean I want to be kidnapped. So don't go getting any ideas.

'They'll tell you black is really white, the moon is just the sun at night, and when you walk in golden halls you get to keep the gold that falls'

2011-01-06T21:39:00.001Z

Having been out of the house working almost solidly for the best part of two days, I've been trying to relax since I got home. And what has finally made me relax, you say? Well, I shall tell you. I sat at the piano and I played it. When I can't get to my beautiful piano for a few days, life seems different somehow...

It's a good job I can have music on when I'm doing things in the office at work, or I really would be the most depressed person you could ever meet. It really is like a drug. The best fucking drug in the world, man. A couple of hours without it and I'm hungry.

'Seek the core, the unique, the outstanding - shun the worthless and the mediocre.'

- Frost (from Satyricon and 1349)

'It's something I have to do, I was there too: before everything else, I was like you.'

2011-01-04T11:52:00.001Z

'They tell us Rock'n'roll is the devil's music. Well, let's say we know that rock is the devil's music, and we know that it is, for sure … At least he fuckin' jams! If it's a choice between eternal Hell and good tunes, and eternal Heaven and New Kids on the Block … I'm gonna be surfin' on the lake of fire, rockin' out.' - Bill Hicks

Roll up, roll up! The time has come for another tedious list of things I've done over the last couple of weeks!

Joanna has:

...had too much to drink at work Christmas outings. My blue hair was the shizzle though.

...enjoyed time watching Ma'anit bake everyone Christmas goodies and drinking Bailey's coffee with Liat who came out with the quote of the day...nay, week...when she randomly started chuckling to herself and said 'Ma'anit, if you had your own chocolate factory, you'd be Willy Wanker!'

...officially broken two laptops in the space of six months. Luckily, my friend Zachary is a blinkin' genie-arse and is constantly operating on my poor computers. Thank-you Doctor ZacharyradiatorfaceCathedralpantsMcGinty the third Esquire! Yeah...if you don't know my friends and me then that will mean nothing to you. Still, a bit of mystery is good for the soul: don't say I never do anything for all you lovely readers our there!

...watched 'The Devil's Music'. What a bloody fantastic piece of work that was! Erica Spawn is such a compelling character, one couldn't help but become captivated with her and the story surrounding her. The documentary format may well have been done plenty of times but they made it work brilliantly. Some of the acting was a bit 'iffy' but the main actors had their parts down to an art and, just like all the classic films in the spooky genre (yes, that is now an official genre. Promise) there was an element of humour weaved into the entire thing. The film was sexy, atmospheric, and extremely watchable. I think one of the things I enjoyed most about it was that the characters were just like lots of real people I know. Very good, yes yes.

Phwoar!

...had well-needed family time. Time spent with my nephews and nephette is like water when my heart is running dry.

...been visited by the wonderful Jo and her crazy kids. We stayed in a hotel and bothered the receptionists with stupid questions and constant requests for more tea-bags and milk. Good times, as all the kids seem to be saying these days. You need your confidence back Jo, and I know you can do it. Those kids have a wild spirit like you do and that is no bad thing. I'm here with you every step of the way.

...started to hear the nickname Calamity even from people I work for now. I went to the house of someone I give support to (for those of you who are unaware, I'm a support worker for people with learning disabilities...but if you didn't already know that you're clearly not stalking me very well so far) the other day and, in the space of four and a half hours, managed to pull one of his curtains/blinds down, knock a picture off the wall, and I pulled a chair over with my bag on the way out. Doh! Also, while I was there, I cut my finger on a pair of safety scissors. I'm beginning to think it's me who needs support with my daily living...

Life is like the snow: the more of it there is, the harder it is to manage; the more that comes down on you, the harder it is to walk in and wade through. But, by the gods, it's beautiful.

'These sunless afternoons I can't find myself'

2010-12-20T22:57:00.000Z

'They don't fear the wolf, but the wild within'

2010-12-15T22:23:00.001Z

So. In Medway, one has the opportunity to do a course in 'The Art of Accessorising - Accessorise your outfits: jewellery and handbags' but not to study A Levels. Gee thanks, Adult 'Education' Centre. Oh hello misanthropy, I wasn't aware you'd be joining us this-evening! But look - there you are! For anyone who would ever choose the above course over an A Level or anything that requires a modicum of intelligence or thought: die, die, and double die.

The last few days have seen Joanna in several different places. Par example:

+ I have been lost in another world entirely whist watching Verdi Requiem in Cranbrook. James was there with his big bass drum. He wasn't playing in the concert - he just stood at the back with a drum he'd carted along himself...for fun. I must have enjoyed myself because when the show was over one of the violin players approached me and said 'your face when the Soprano hit her top C was an absolute picture!'. Yes, my face gives away all. The concert was in St. Dunstan's Church. The soloists were marvelous. And the whole thing smelt particularly middle class.

+ I have been to work a lot. Someone I work with has just broken her leg so I'm helping to cover some shifts. Because I'm nice like that. (I've just noticed that I mentioned the very same thing in my previous post but I'm not going to re-word this or change it because that fact that I've written it twice should give you a good idea of how forgetful and generally pointless my brain can be! Also, I can't actually be bothered.)

+ I have been to Covent Garden and 'done lunch' Italian stylie, and then to a Christmas Sing-A-Long at the Royal Albert Hall. This trip was for work so it wasn't all fun and games. I was lucky enough to have done the trip with Kay though who is fantabulous and had me in constant giggles throughout the day. One of my favourite quotes of the day (ooh, we haven't done that in a while, have we?!) was during 'We Three Kings of Orient Are' when Kay sang the line 'Frankinscense to offer have I' and then turned to me and uttered 'or do I?'. Now, I do not like Christmas songs in general and nothing was really going to top the Verdi Req' from the night before. There was a particular moment during the show when I smiled to myself and realised the confirmation that this wasn't reeeeaaaally 'my kind of thing', and that moment was when I caught myself looking around the stalls - during a watered down version of 'Winter Wonderland' sung by a woman with a large bottom and even larger stage-school bad habits and techniques to her voice - and thinking '...I wonder what the maximum capacity of this venue is...'. And may the gods bless those poor session musicians who have to work through that crap every night. We also saw the most glorious waste of energy: the Oxford Street Christmas lights. Okay, okay, it was quite pretty I suppose ;-)

+ I have also been to memory-land with Sonata Arctica when they randomly popped up on my playlist and, becoming captured by the sweet melodies and adorably bad use of the English language, I listened to almost every album of theirs I own.

One place I have not been to however, is the land of noddington. To bedfordshire. And oh, how I miss it dreadfully....I'm beginning to sound more and more like an Enid Blyton character....I'd better watch that.

'Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,

And then is heard no more. It is a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing.'

'Away, and mock the time with fairest show'

2010-12-13T11:50:00.000Z

'...Art thou afeard
To be the same in thine own act and valour
As thou art in desire? Wouldst thou have that
Which thou esteem'st the ornament of life,
And live a coward in thine own esteem,
Letting 'I dare not' wait upon 'I would,'
Like the poor cat i' the adage?'

Change or accept. Just don't sit in the middle complaining.

2010-12-10T14:59:00.001Z

Oh hello there random song from Sweeney Todd - why have you suddenly appeared in my head? And why will you not leave?!

I had to take someone to hospital last week and I spent far too long chuckling about the fact that Medway Maritime Hospital has a 'Penguin Assessment Unit'.

Someone at work has broken her leg and so we're all scuttling around trying to cover her shifts. Finding a balance between all the important things in life can be difficult but if you love the things in your life it's all worth it. And if the things in your life love you back, they understand...yes, I'm half asleep and talking gibberish.

Gibberish is a good word. I should use it more in everyday sentences. Along with nincompoop, flabbergasted, and sesquipedalian.

Becca's birthday party was a classic night as always - even if she got so drunk that she thought she was having a stroke.

I'd like to take this moment to send out the following message into the ether: Thank you Chris Morris for 'Four Lions'. Just thank you. Right in the face. There was much hearty laughter ('Spark plugs! Jews invented spark plugs to control global traffic.'); there were tears; there were gut-wrenching moments of empathy and agony, especially for the families of the characters ('I'm taking my team up to the top floor now. I'll see you up there.'); there were knowing nods at the multitude of satirical references and painful truths that cleverly weaved through the entire thing ('These are real bad times, bro. Islam is cracking up. We got women talking back. We got people playing stringed instruments. It's the end of days!'). The characters were beautifully acted and the plot perfectly conveyed the messages intended by the filmmakers. ..I'm gushing a bit. And you can tell I used to be an English literature student by the amount of quotes used to back up my points. I'm so transparent.

Also...everyone hates 'How Not To Live Your Life'...from which I concur that everyone is stupid. How difficult is it to pick up on the subtle humours and sarcasms? The glitter of personality that sparkles throughout the dialogue? That program is not as one-dimensional as everyone claims or wants it to be. So there.

And that just about concludes today's inane ramblings. Congratulations if you made it this far! Here: have a biscuit.

More people smile at each other when they're trying to walk in snow..

2010-12-02T17:15:00.000Z

..which to me seems the perfect little example of how the human race form tighter communities when they have something to fight against or struggle through.

Though I'm not struggling; I bloody love this weather! More snow plskthx.

Wigmore Park this very morn'!

Tales from a struggling support worker, nursery nurse, and writer.

2010-12-01T22:45:00.001Z

My sister Caroline: 'Can you save all your poetry please? So that when you die an old lady at 87 (random) we can all sell your work and make a fortune?'

Charming! Also, I see a slight technical problem there, dear sister...you'll be 94 at the time.

And as a side note, I'd quite like to make the fortune from them myself before that! Who wants to be my agent and publish my stories and poems for free? Anyone?

No?

Bollocks.

The universe: 'Maybe you should actually start sending some of your work off to people again. That might help, you actual twat!'

'Life, like poker, has an element of risk. It shouldn't be avoided. It should be faced.'

2010-11-20T20:05:00.002Z

Blimey! An update!

I begin today's meeting by proclaiming the next statement as truthings:

It is pathetic when couples get joint Facebook accounts and the like. By all means stand together against hardships and the rest of the world blah blah, but when you represent the TWO of you as ONE thing/entity/being/whatever it all gets a bit gay and scary. Be your damn selves ffs.

I hate feeling like I have to think carefully about every little thing I write in my own blog. And actually...I'm not doing that from now on.

I watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The first film in ages that has actually had a relatively deep affect on me freaky-wise. It's like a nightmare that spirals into darker and darker corners of the mind. The lack of music was extremely effective, instead there are deep throbbing noises and screeches (like the sounds of madness) and the screams of the lead character...oh, the screams - they cut right through you. A fantastic film. Also, lol at the Hitchhiker's first appearance 'I have this knife!' although I feel sorry for him and want to look after him. Until...ya know...we meet him later on in the film. Even I'm not quite that understanding.

Here he is. And he has this knife. Which is a good knife. Apparently.

So what else have I been doing for the past two and a half weeks? I shall tell you, yes I shall. I've had lovely times at Halloween parties (though my last-minute elf costume didn't go down too well...everyone just thought I had a shit witch's costume on - didn't any of you ever see LotR? Jeeeeeeez! :P), got to know Stef and Dave a bit better (yay, smashing people indeed!), been to Bluewater (or the set of Hollyoaks - the distinction can be somewhat blurred at times), waited in a hospital with someone for ages and listened to the stressy man next to us get more and more irrate until they gave in and let him in before us - seriously, accidentally stepped in sick (Joanna, you really didn't need to clarify that was an accident...), received some of the best birthday gifts ever; including surprise fairy dresses and the most awesome home-made cake/sweetie-castle known to the living world - thank you Zak and James!!! I'm sure there's more to tell but none more shall be told because that list is quite long enough, thank you very much!

Kickboxing is awesome. I never thought I'd be interested in anything to do with Martial Arts...at least not enough to go somewhere each week to do it or buy things to help me train. Train. Hark at me!

Sitting on a bus full of teenagers in all-too-familiar school uniforms can make you think...I still didn't feel like I'd have anything to say to them or they'd have anything to say to me. I felt the same way as I would have done during my teens when faced with that situation - not fear, not apprehension...just general...detachment from the human race. (I'd put my headphones in my ears and listen to something amazing instead of listening to nonsense about boys and make-up). And then I noticed this one guy sitting at the front of the bus. He was a big guy and had crutches and everyone had their backs to him. He looked pretty calm and collected and just reached up and drew a Slipknot 'S' in the condensation of the window. I felt proud. The other kids were all pretty much ignoring him because he was not like the rest of them. And then I realised that I had it all wrong at school: Instead of trying to understand why I wasn't like everybody else, I needed to accept why they weren't like me. Which is when I found peace really. Socially, anyway. Peace in general can be a deadly, destructive place to be.

That's quite enough rambling for the day, Joanna.

BEHOLD: A quote within a quote...

'Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you'd like. 'We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.' '

Dear universe...

2010-10-29T19:11:00.002+01:00

I would like to see Ministry live please. I do not care how impossible this is. Also, Jethro Tull in their original line up.

...Just send me back in time for a while.

Yours, Joanna xx

'If life is a radio, turn up to ten!'

2010-10-29T13:41:00.001+01:00

Well, you know you've been to a good gig when you wake up the next morning with an aching neck and beer in your hair. It's so refreshing to go to gigs with girls who actually bloody enjoy themselves and aren't afraid to just get into it. I mainly go to the heavier gigs with guys and we laugh at the girls standing around stifly, posing.

\m/ Here's to Bug and Alex for being proper metal fans and not just along for the ride or the fashion. \m/

So, Korpiklaani last night (and I was still the shortest person there even with my old new rocks on, tsk!), and last week was the Electric Circus II. Cavalcade blew every other Medway band out of the water as usual. I was also lucky enough to go along to their rehearsal a few days before the gig and observe their dynamic and how beautifully they bring all their elements, talents, and influences together to make their music. Something a bit wonderful happens when they all get behind their own little stations and start playing. I wish I had taken my sketch pad along with me and I might do that for their next gig, although I am pretty sure I will just get too excited and abandon the idea to dancing and emmersing myself in the bubble of their sound instead.

What would life be without music?

Also this week I have...been insulted by a ridiculously shallow dress-maker, tripped over several times in front of crowds of people (what is new?), spent too much money on CDs, had fun and giggles and lunch in Canterbury, enjoyed chill-out times with friends and sweeties and scary movies, ordered Rob Zombie tickets (YES! *punches the air*), had a little catch-up with Maffoo, and completely forgotten that it's my birthday in two weeks: I really should start arranging things for my birthdays. One day I will have a big party just for me and it will be fabulous and there with be much rejoicing.

'You're just an empty cage if you kill the bird...'

2010-10-10T21:04:00.003+01:00

Chest infections will not beat me. Oh no.

As many of you know I've been on a bit of a horror kick, film-wise. For those of you who don't, I've been testing my squeemishness and jumpiness by torturing myself with any movies considered freaky or scary. I have surprised myself and become what can only be described as a 'fan'. We all know I've always been drawn to the darker parts of life but the scary movie thing was something I could never quite crack. And here it is: all cracked and gooey and shivering, begging me for mercy. *evil laughter*

I have recently watched 'Night of the Living Dead'. Please note that I am well aware this film is nothing shocking or even scary to most people - well aware after seeing Cannibal Holocaust as mentioned in previous entries! Poor monkey. I must say the fact that a black man as the capable hero of the film must have been pretty controversial and ground-breaking when it was made in 60s America. The movie couldn't have done much for feminism though - the female characters could only be described as pathetic. I didn't find myself laughing so much at this movie as I have done with other 'old classics' I've seen so far: it is still a bit creepy and the fact it's in black and white adds to the atmosphere somewhat. Also, I predicted, and hoped for, the ending it had. It gave the whole thing a push, a kick, an impact. Which got me wondering if the film was actually more intentionally political than I had initially thought. Though I'm probably looking too deeply into it. Not everything is symbolism Joanna! Get over it!

Maybe the concept of zombies has captured our modern imaginations so much is because...zombies are just humans without all of the qualities we would describe as 'human': compassion, empathy, etc. Which fits into how machinistic (that's not a word, but I've just decided it is - any complaints about this should be sent to me via email or other such communication tools) our lives have become what with modern warfare being so mechanical and impersonal, fighting each other from distances with guns and bullets and documents. We build tall stone prisons to work in, we talk to each other through handsets and keyboards and plastic and metal. We're becoming so far removed from nobility and humility in our interractions. We're becoming so far removed from each other...

'Machinery is aggressive. The weaver becomes a web, the machinist a machine.' Ralph Waldo Emerson

I've also watched Ichi the Killer but I have a lot to say on that as well, so I will bore you with that some other time. Suffice it to say that it was pretty damn awesome. And if I was a man, I'd dress like Kakihara every day, yes I would.

I wish my friends were happy all the time. I wish everyone was happy all the time. But then I suppose we'd all be bloody boring.

There are no pictures in this entry.

'I think it's a big turn on to walk down the street and kick little kids.' - Burzum, 1992. - lol

I am a non-title

2010-10-10T20:51:00.000+01:00

If you do not find yourself overcome with the urge to click your fingers to this song, you are dead to me.

Also, please note the line 'now we go steady to the pictures, I always get chocolate stains on my pants'. This is funny if you're English...or if you're me. I don't know.

I heart my mum

2010-10-02T12:59:00.000+01:00

Mum (looking up from her Sudoku at random and frowning): 'What I don't like about squirrels is the way they cross the road.'
Me: 'What?!'
Mum: 'Wellllllllllll...they don't do it properly.'

It's a lonely planet joy

2010-10-01T12:24:00.001+01:00

Last night at work after everyone was in bed, I went outside for a late-night cigarette. I sat there peacefully, listening to Hindermith and looking up at a sky full of twinkly stars and dark corners, when a shooting star (sorry Toby, meteor, hehe!) waved at me and swept itself from one edge of the sky to the other. It was massive and decorated with fire. I was open-mouthed at this point and then I saw another one that actually seemed to weave its way through the stars! And no, it wasn't a plane. T'was definitely a starry-type thing. Yes. It's nice when the sky speaks to you.

Over the last two weeks I have been to some little dinner parties, attented my parents' 40th wedding anniversary garden party and (abominable) pub dinner - '...can I just take this moment to draw your attention to my Father's face?', almost had measles, giggled, felt like I'm shit at my job, felt like I'm good at my job, not saved any money like I promised myself I would (again), watched Evil Dead (okay, I'm really getting into this horror malarkey now: I thoroughly enjoyed the film AND now have the incredible urge to paint my face like Linda (post-possession) every time I put my make-up on, listened to some fantabulous moo-sic, and so on and so forth and whatnot, etc. etc., ad infinitum.

What a stunner!

One day I might dedicate an entire blog post to everything that's wrong with Twilight. But I'm not sure I could find the time.

'...while we're at it, I'm sick of religious people forcing their children to define themselves by their parents' faith. A four year old is no more a Christian than he is a member of the Postal Worker's Union!' - Marcus Brigstock

2010-09-24T20:07:00.000+01:00

' "I'm going to tell you a story," said Zedka. "A powerful wizard, who wanted to destroy an entire kingdom, placed a magic potion in the well from which all the inhabitants drank. Whoever drank that water would go mad. The following morning, the whole population drank from the well and they all went mad, apart from the king and his family, who had a well set aside for them alone, and which the magician had not managed to poison.

The king was worried and tried to control the population by issuing a series of edicts governing security and public health. The policemen and inspectors, however, had also drunk the poisoned water and they thought the king's decisions were absurd and resolved to take no notice of them. When the inhabitants of the kingdom heard these decrees, they became convinced that the king had gone mad and was now giving nonsensical orders. They marched on the castle and called for his abdication.

In despair, the king prepared to step down from the throne, but the queen stopped him, saying: 'Let us go and drink from the communal well. Then, we will be the same as them.'

And that was what they did: the king and the queen drank the water of madness and immediately began talking nonsense. Their subjects repented at once; now that the king was displaying such wisdom, why not allow him to continue ruling the country?

The country continued to live in peace, although its inhabitants behaved very differently from those of its neighbours. And the king was able to govern until the end of his days."

..."Do you know what exists out there?"
"People who have all drunk from the same well."
"Exactly," said Zedka. "They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. Well, I'm going to pretend that I have drunk from the same well as them."
"I already did that, and that's precisely my problem..." ' - from 'Veronika Decides to Die' by Paulo Coelho

Over the course of Autumns

2010-09-15T17:06:00.003+01:00

Joanna is on somewhat of a high at the moment. She is enjoying this. It does, however, mean that she can no longer speak in the 'first person'. She is fine with this. She is now wondering if this entire entry is going to be as boring at this first sentence.

Hmm, we'll see...

So, over the past couple of weeks I've been concentrating (at work), trying to behave myself (at work), making mistakes with money (at work...oopsie!), celebrating Rosh Hashana with some Jewish buddies of mine (it was a bit like a Pagan ceremony what with the prayer and the eating of certain things at certain times, etc. Plus, apples dipped in honey = win), giving up her spare room to Wolverhampton wanderers, dancing and crying to Cavalcade (oh boys...you have brought the local music scene to life <3), making posters for musical eventings, decorating cakes for anniversaries, watching brass bands in smarmy little churches - 'niiiiice bit of Grieg!' ;), and re-writing Shakespeare choruses for filthy friends! Oh, and laughing ridiculously with the most awesome people in the world.

I only now, at my riiiipe old age, have the confidence (or the apathy) to just be creative and put my stuff out there. I partly have Sarah to thank for all her help with the flower arrangements I did for people when I lived in the Land of Wolves. Autumn comes alive this week, and it brings with it (as always) a part of life I connect with strongly. The Gods are most alive for me during the Winter and the Summer months, but over the course of Autumns things are more...(for want of a better noun - as always when speaking of such things) spirit based. However, I would like to get one thing straight - I am not a big hippie. Nor am I a Wiccan*. I connect to the old ways. That is perhaps the best way to describe things. As someone I knew long ago once said - 'Pagan, not pussy'.

Stop rambling and finish prettifying that cake, you slag.

Okay! Jeeeesus...! Wait, people should see this first - Clickedy And this - click.

The bards descend the waves of ancient seas

and poets' breath to decorate our trees

*grrrrrr

A solitary dancer...

2010-09-12T06:58:00.000+01:00

'...driven by the irony that only being shackled to the road could ever I be free...'

2010-09-05T12:49:00.001+01:00

Well my only full weekend off this month has been pretty much pooed on.

Now what I need is a solution. No point in dwelling on it, however perturbed I may be.

Time for a plan. Though all I want is to pack myself off to somewhere new already. And this is not me running away - this is my constant inner itch to do something new every single day, to drink in the world, to feel free...

'Ever since my childhood I've been scared, I've been afraid

of being trapped by circumstance, of staying in one place

and so I always keep a small bag full of clothes carefully stored
somewhere secret, somewhere safe, somewhere close to the door. '

'I have swam the lake of flames, walked forbidden tracks'

2010-08-19T23:18:00.004+01:00

Just thought you all should know that:

...the changing rooms in Sainsbury's smell of wee :(

...being a builder/road workman/Tesco delivery man does not give you the earthly right to shout lude comments at anything with boobies. You pricks.

...giant, furry, Dr. Marten-wearing arachnids exist and they are everywhere. BEWARE.

...I started smoking when I was a teenager because I wanted to sing like Courtney Love. Thanks Ma'anit for reminding me of this ~~wonderful~~ weird little piece of my past. Though nobody seems to be able to remind me of why exactly I wanted to sing like Courtney Love in the first place. And I cannot fathom it to this day.

...I already have that divine thrust (lol) of wanderlust again. Where should I randomly move to once I've been in this job for a while? And why can I not stay in one place for more than a few months?

So my buddy, my pal James is back from the Greasey-land and this makes Joanna a happy girl. When I was in my early twenties I figured I'd already made all my best friends for life but I was wrong - over the past two years Sarah, Jo, and James have become (for fear of sounding like an Enid Blyton character) firm friends. Never underestimate the power of evolving and personal progression. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life who I click with on levels I never even thought possible.

I could go on but I don't want to gush. Err, that sounds gross.

My job starts on Monday. It's all a bit exciting. I've missed looking after people, it's one of the reasons I'm here and I thrive on it. I will have to stay organised if I want to fit everything I do now (and more because money will permit this) around work. I need a P.A. ...any takers?

Hmm, this entry has included lots of question marks. You don't need a psychology degree to work that one out!

This day in Joanna's life is dedicated to Mr. Stewart Copeland for being the main reason I blew all my inheritance money on a drum kit when I was fifteen. And for getting my feet (and legs, and hands) tapping stupidly and involuntarily to this very day.

'Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty'

2010-08-18T17:41:00.001+01:00

Sometimes people don't like my honesty. That is fine.

I will remain always true to my path and to what I feel is right.

Though it is a shame. We had a blast.

Oh, Mr. Keats...

2010-08-16T01:30:00.003+01:00

'Therefore, 'tis with full happiness that I
Will trace the story of Endymion.
The very music of the name has gone
Into my being, and each pleasant scene
Is growing fresh before me as the green
Of our own valleys: so I will begin
Now while I cannot hear the city's din;
Now while the early budders are just new,
And run in mazes of the youngest hue
About old forests; while the willow trails
Its delicate amber; and the dairy pails
Bring home increase of milk...'

Italics = full-on shudder moments.

What would be my life without such utterly delicious words?

'In the dark we're the same, in the concept of time we're like a grain in the sand'

2010-08-13T10:40:00.000+01:00

The highlight of my Wednesday night was seeing an old man with a t-shirt that had the big MacDonalds 'M' on it, and the words 'McShit' written over the top. Oh, and Ma'anit pretending to be a ghost resulting in my screaming loudly in the beer garden. *embarrassed*

Yesterday I went to Rochester with my awesome 'brother' Lee and we met Jason and Graham there. I did something I don't usually do but you know what? I'm just having fun and rolling with life - why the bloody hell not? And no, I didn't sleep with anyone before you assume that, you naughty readers you!

Time to get moving! Toodley pip!

Sanctuary

2010-08-11T14:12:00.000+01:00

My land is bare of chattering folk;
The clouds are low along the ridges,
And sweet's the air with curly smoke
From all my burning bridges.
by Dorothy Parker

My dreams remain the same

2010-08-11T13:41:00.005+01:00

Over the past week of Joanna's life, she has been...

...to Gravesend and tried on every single bridesmaid dress in the shop. Then ended up choosing the most expensive one without realising it...typical! Sorry Becca. Then we spent all day drinking wine and Celtic Warriors (phwoar!). Then Natalie and I went to the Barge. It's all a bit of a blur frankly. But I know I enjoyed myself! I provided the quote of that night by walking up to a group of Ma'anit's friends and trying desperately to look sober. Which seemed to be working until I said 'I'm fiiiine! I'm not that drunk...*hiccup*' Bastard diaphragm!

...disinfecting all the musical instruments in her house.

Mum: Why are you disinfecting your tin-whistle?
Joanna: Uh....because James kinda...put it up his nose.

...looking after my nephew and nephette, Tom and Abbie-ghoul! Tom got attacked by an evil swing in the park, and Abbie and I painted our faces like lunatics. A fantastic day indeed. :)

...to The Nightmare Theatre. Lots of laughter, chatting, Newcastle Brown (hell yeah!), new friends, long-lost friends. T'was the fun indeed. Cavalcade played - their sound is too big, too vast for Medway. They need a stage out in space so the whole world can look up at them. Their sound is unique. Dark, sometimes almost bleak, but with gorgeous ribbons of colour flowing and twisting through the sound. Lovely lovely.

...having tomato-ketchup and sock fights. Yeah, don't ask.

...wondering about how to end a blog post in an interesting way.

'And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.' - Dylan Moran

'Don't stand, don't stand so, don't stand so close to me!' (I might break you)

2010-08-03T16:59:00.001+01:00

Joanna has well and truly lived up to her nickname of Calamity today. For those of you who are interested (and if you're not, then why, pray tell, are you still reading this? I won't have your sort round here!), I gained said nickname about 7 years ago when I first visited Becca's parent's house. I'd only been there for about ten minutes and I broke this family heirloom vase thingimajig. Then the next time I visted, I broke a plate. This was also around the time that I broke my boyfriend-at-the-time's prized glass stein from Germany. It was massive and he loved it to bits. And I dropped it to bits. Sorry! When Becca and Obee had their flatwarming party, they put yellow and black hazard tape over their furniture because they knew I was coming. Cheers guys. Hilarious. ;-)

So that's the story. And I've been a walking disaster ever since. So your lesson of the day is: DO NOT TRUST JOANNA WITH ANYTHING DELICATE OR PRECIOUS TO YOU. IT WILL BE BROKEN! I don't seem to have broken anyone's baby yet though. So that's alright. Though the odds are pretty high - quite a few of my friends have kids. I'll keep you posted...

'I JUST LOST MY VIRGINITY IN A CONFESSIONAL BOOTH!'

2010-07-30T21:49:00.000+01:00

'LORD. HAVE. MERCY!'

...There's nothing quite like Kiss to make everything in life feel fantastic.

'Like all weak men he laid an exaggerated stress on not changing one's mind.'

2010-07-30T11:09:00.003+01:00

Busy, busy, busy. In the words of Bilbo - 'I feel like butter stretched across too much bread.' My trip to Wolves last weekend was awesome: wine, long chats, cheeky children, annnnddddd no Wolverhampton trip is complete without a naked Sarah in a changing room. Jo went to so much effort and bought my special moo-juice and everything. My friends rock. Also, while we were at one of the ~~cattle markets~~ clubs in the city centre, I managed to convince some guy that I'm a 24-year-old lesbian with four children. He left shortly afterwards. Which was the aim. The quote of the weekend of 24th July 2010 came from Jo - 'sometimes I wish I had a penis so I could randomly slap people round the face with it.'

This week I have mostly been giggling with fantastic friends and trying not to fall asleep on the bus. Though, I found out the other night that some guy I used to work with (I shan't mention any names..though I probably should) has told at least one person that we 'didn't have sex but we did other stuff'...which clearly is an hilarious lie. I like men with a little more substance and a little less pseudo-intellect and transparency, thank you. If he was somebody I'd look twice at, this wouldn't be such a ridiculous piece of news. It's a bit sad when you have to make things up like that.

I'd just like to say that: Yes, the Catalan government voting in a ban of bullfighting in that particluar region is a good thing, of course...but it's not the massive step that everyone thinks it is. Apparently it's never really been that popular there anyway.

Also, this week I have been re-discovering bands I frankly haven't thought about in years...Venom, Celtic Frost, Black Sabbath, Megadeth, Slayer. It's indescribable: that unique energy you feel that comes right from the very pit of your stomach when you hear the simple sound of guitars and drums galloping along together, creating pure magic. It awakens something primal inside you, something full of instinct and power, something that connects you with the very core of your human self. Music and sex - not so far removed from one another. Music is as essential to my existence as the breath in my lungs.

"I think I should have no other mortal wants, if I could always have plenty of music. It seems to infuse strength into my limbs, and ideas into my brain. Life seems to go on without effort, when I am filled with music." - George Eliot

Enough words: here, have some metal. \m/

Doll Parts

2010-07-19T12:12:00.000+01:00

So I can no longer walk around my area alone at times that suit me and my life. When they catch that rapist, I'm sending him my taxi receipts. He's costing me a lot of money.

In all seriousness though, it makes me fucking sick that I cannot walk freely around the area in which I live at a time I choose. I can, of course, but frankly it would be a stupid thing to do. I'd be putting myself in danger. And there's being brave and being foolish. And this is all because I was born with ladybits. I feel a bit like an animal backed into a corner. I'm angry. One of the rapes happened in the road next to the one I'll be working in. Great! ...

Today James and I are going to The Riverside Tavern. I haven't been there for years and it's great to go in there with someone who's gay. I feel a little less fraudulant!

'Are those symphonies forgotten with our cases closed and latched?'

2010-07-17T00:30:00.000+01:00

Fuck off new Twilight movie. Just fuck off. And take Harry Potter with you please. That's right, you heard me: LEAVE THE HALL!

So, it looks like I'll be starting work within the next three/four weeks. This is good news and a half and a quarter and another quarter. So basically, it's double good news. I can do maths, me.

This week Ma'anit played at the Billabong in Rochester, and Toby and James also had a jam. That's right 'a jam'. That's what all the kids are calling it these days. Lots of laughter and fun as always. Quotes of the night for Tuesday 13th July 2010:
'Hey, do you know who you look like?' - Hahaha! (oh, you had to be there...)
and my second favourite was when some guy stopped me on my way to the bar, pointed at me for what seemed like forever, squinted and then said: 'Katy Perry.' To which I replied, '...uh, no.' This is funny because I don't resemble her in the slightest.

I need to stop posting 'you had to be there' quotes. Maybe this quote of the day thing is not such a good idea in practice...But I do have a general quote of the moment, thanks to some random American voice - 'if he gave a shit about you, he'd be here right now.' Which generally relates to lots of things in lots of people's lives right now. And you know what? It's bloody true.

Then later in the week James and I went to visit Fluffy. We had a nice long night of chatting, giggling, and uh...shit porn. And by shit porn I do not mean actual shit porn. Oh, and romantic comedies *vomits*. Thanks for the varied movie jukeboxing Fluff! I think...

This just in! Click here for tips on how to be happy as a woman, courtesy of Disney.
And just so you boys don't feel left out: Click here for tips on how to get your perfect woman and be successful in life. Thank you, Liz :D

Brain. Switch. Off.

'I've got nostalgic pavements,

I've got familiar faces,

I've got mixed-up memories,

and I've got favourite places.'

'The rest of us are DJs or official club photographers'

2010-07-12T13:18:00.003+01:00

Those of you who know me personally will be aware that I'm a total squeemish wreck of a wimp of a coward of a weakling when it comes to any sort of scary film. Soooooo, I've decided to challenge myself in this department. I've watched Cannibal Holocaust. That's right. I started with the soft stuff. I watched the uncut version. You know, the one including the scenes in which they cut the face off a monkey and kill a turtle TO DEATH! A choice film for a vegan, I'd say! It's good to watch something that disturbs you sometimes. That unsettles you deep down inside. It wakes you up a bit. There's too much comfort available in the Western world and sometimes we need to get down to our primal core of fear to feel alive in different ways. Extreme ~~music~~ films for extreme people! And then, as Rob Zombie is this week's musical favourite of mine, I decided to watch House of 1000 Corpses. Which I, to my complete surprise, thoroughly enjoyed. I probably didn't appreciate it on the same level as an avid watcher of horror movies would but I appreciated the sheer imagination and creativity that soaked through the whole film, down to the clever little details like Otis Driftwood's 'Burn this flag' t-shirt and Baby's awesomely chilling but playful laugh (kinda sexy, I won't lie).

Kickboxing was awesome. I'm going again this week. H'yah! Lots of people have asked me if I'm going for fitness or to train properly in ze arts but it's neither of those. I just like my life full of things. And people. And music.

Yeah, I'm a rubbish photographer.
My Ma'anit played at the Barge on Wednesday night. I think it's the best performance I've seen of hers so far. At the Barge, people aren't polite if you're shit - they just talk over you while you play but, as always, the moment Ms. Rosie started singing the whole room went silent. It's her voice: it's soulful, and when she hits her high notes it's glassy-clear and pure. Plus, she has the guts to play her own songs and they're melodic and catchy. Plus plus, she played my favourite song of hers and it was hard not to sing and sway along as I was recording! Plus plus plus (!), that night I got told I have perfect diction (lol, I love that word). Which is nice. I do speak the Queen's English after all, don't you know! Whatwhatwhat!
Quotes of the night for Wednesday 7th July 2010:
'I broke the Barge!' - Ma'anit (Yeah, you had to be there)
and (upon sitting through the most ~~depressingly~~ hillariously shit band I've possibly ever seen) 'It's music like this that makes me understand why people kill themselves' - Ma'anit.

'How could this backwards land learn to understand my dance?'

2010-07-07T12:45:00.000+01:00

Imagine my surprise, when searching for some sort of program/sketch show/nonsense to fall asleep to the other night, to see an Anvil documentary featured on the BBC iplayer home page! So I watched it, naturally. And I'm still trying to decide whether it was some sort of Spinal Tap-inspired joke. I really hope it was...

Arthurian magic*? Really? This is just how I imagine the bible and Christianity to have begun. A rumour of a man nobody can even confirm existed (seriously, look properly into the history of King Arthur and you'll see what I mean), at least not on any important scale. A rumour that gets out of hand, people write lots of literature and stories about this man, and he becomes a sort of prophet figure. There'll be a bible part 2 soon, all about Arthur and Merlin.

Kiss are wicked. That is all.

*Oh sorry, should that be 'magick' with a k? *rolls eyes*

'I am an interesting quote to sum-up the main subject of this particular blog entry'

2010-07-03T12:29:00.002+01:00

I've had a relaxing week. I've had lots of spontaneous walks, went to Maidstone and watched some moo-sick, and last night stayed at Tom's. I walked home very early this-morning because he's going to France with his girly today - I'd forgotten how refreshing it is to have an early morning walk before breakfast.

Joanna is looking forward to randomly trying kickboxing on Thursday. Well...when someone approaches you in Hempstead Valley and offers you a free first lesson, do you turn it down? By heck, you don't! Refusing such invitations and opportunities makes you boring and way too comfortable in the bubble of your own little life. Don't let your sky shrink: if you do, you'll gradually see fewer and fewer stars...

Leo bit my mum. Ummers-bummers! You bit my mummers! Leo is our dog by the way. Not some guy we know.

Joanna, stop being silly and get on with your day, you actual stranger.

'Things in life aren’t always quite what they seem,
there’s more than one given angle to any one given scene.
So bare that in mind next time you try to intervene
on any one given angle
on any one given scene.'

Poetry written in the sky

2010-07-01T02:18:00.000+01:00

Hera is not still with me for nothing. She came when you did. Except she didn't leave.

Why hasn't she left?

She brings with her such warm energies and gentle light. A sweetness.

She knows that without her I would still be happy and grounded...and yet she stays.

In Remote Part

2010-06-30T21:46:00.001+01:00

'Imaginations from the other side'
Sylvia Plath's seemingly arrogant comment about god writing through her has always struck a chord with me. Because I know what she means. Anyone who creates must have felt like this at some point. Perhaps it's Bragi who bypasses my brain and goes straight to my fingers, brushing them with silver and words. But then it does not feel like exclusively 'male' input. Not that I'm claiming my stories or poetry to be anything close to greatness or celestial. But I know how it feels to be caught in the current of vision, until your universe is flooded with ideas and clarity of thought. It's like taking Ecstacy, or surfing the clouds on the back of some mighty bird of prey.

Bunny-boiling buddies
So many of my friends talk to me about their relationship troubles. And that's entirely fine, though it's not like I can give any sort of constructive advice on this particular chestnut, let's face it! I do like to know every sordid little detail that runs screaming or sobbing through the minds of my friends though. Does that make me some sort of voyeur? Aaaanyway, it's surprising to me how many people just have no idea where they stand at the moment. And then they're at serious risk of being seen as crazies. You know, the only times I've ever acted strangely or \cuckoo/ towards a guy I was seeing were because I didn't know where I stood.

So that seems to be the rule: if someone has no idea where they stand in your eyes and your heart, they will go a bit weird on you. Simple as. It's like being told that you have exactly five seconds to choose between three identical apples - the eating of each will have its own different consequences and effects. You find it hard to hold steady and think straight.

I don't know why I needed to type so much to make that small observation. But that's what I did. Deal with it.

I'm going to Maidstone with Ma'anit tomorrow evening. This looks to be funsies. I hate it when people say funsies. Well, why write it then? Sod off

Toodles poodles!

and so I'll bury every clue

2010-06-28T14:14:00.000+01:00

'Tear the petals off of you...'

2010-06-26T23:44:00.001+01:00

Yesterday Matt and I went to the pub and drank too much. It was just like old times - but better (because I'm actually a pretty happy person these days!). It's great to have him back in my life properly. He's always been an amazing friend to me. And I finally met his two adorable daughters. Leonie is such a mixture of Matt and his wife Rachel, looks-wise. Also I chatted to some middle-aged punks outside the pub and I was thinking 'I bet they're accountants during the day, or something'...and guess what? They bleedin' well were! Apparently I look like 'the sort of person who plays a musical instrument'. Which is interesting.

Today was a good day. Picnic times and houmous fights (damn you, Mr. Cookenhausen!). Shelli provided us with the quote of the day - 'that's the most middle-class food fight I've seen in my life. You two, and houmous.' Then lovely chattage with Toby, and a brass band in Southfleet. Even if it was all a bit Christian for my liking. But I was there for my friend James and the music, so that made it okay. I really enjoyed the Shostakovich (good old freaky political Russians) but there was a distinct lack of Radetzky March at the end - BOOHISSBOO!

Yes, I am a heavy-metal-hippie who likes classical music - what of it?

'Listen carefully to the sound...'

2010-06-25T14:09:00.002+01:00

Lesson of the day:
Listening to cheesey stadium rock is where it's at.

The last couple of days have consisted of giggles with good friends and an increasingly unsettled mental state about this bloody job! Pleeeaaase let me know either way! They have sent off for my references: said references begin by saying - 'Joanna (I'mnottellingyoumymiddlename) Baker has been offered the position of support worker at...' But I haven't been offered the position. *insert confused face here*.

Picnic tomorrow! Yay!

Do I have anything of interest to say? Not really.

Joanna is extremely happy about being in touch with Nera-noodles again! I've always felt so connected to her, whether we're in contact or not. She's one of the best people to talk to ever. She's beautiful, and intelligent, and she really cares about things. Important things. Special girl. Yes, yes.

And being back in Kent with Ma'anit also makes me extremely happy. She makes me so relaxed and every moment with her is fun or interesting or a mixture of the two.

Okay, gushing over.

I might get my lip pierced again. Nice one.

Oh, and pretty good news for us hippies.

'I am warm and close to those who deserve to see that side of me; part of me; the heart of me.'

2010-06-22T23:20:00.001+01:00

Joanna would like to begin today's rambling by stating the following:
There is a great deal of difference between missing someone and wanting someone again. I miss lots of things from years bygone. But that doesn't mean I want them all to happen again. A part of me will always feel that way about him, deep down inside...because we never got a chance to completely ruin each other. But I have pride, and balls* and I don't like being messed around.

I'm going to stop being so damned nice to people who do mess me around. I'm going to stop making the effort with people who don't make the effort with me. Because friendship doesn't work like that, whatever has gone on in the past. I think that I often confuse being compassionate and understanding with simply being an idiot. I can't say I've ever really been messed around that much in my life but there comes a point at which you have to say to yourself...'it makes it easier on them for you to be understanding and a great friend, but what are you getting out of all this, Joanna?'. Thing is, most people find it easy to be selfish but I'm the other way around a lot of the time. And by covering up my selfish side, it doesn't mean I don't have it. I need to embrace the darker sides of myself as well as the light, otherwise....well, I'm only half a person.

Plus, if I'm totally honest, I fucking love my darker sides when I let them breathe.

Ohoho, that's right, Joanna's got her edge back and is fully herself again.

"As a matter of fact, he is... a huge schmuck. How did you know?"

"He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend."
"You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god's sake!"

*that's right - balls!

'Dark have been my dreams of late'

2010-06-21T23:01:00.002+01:00

These strange nightmares and nightvisions are back. I woke myself up last night calling out 'help' over and over again. The word and me calling it was incorporated into my dream. Twisted, dark, maddening, maniacal dreams that I can't even begin to write down on here. A world of darkness that I haven't been pulled into for a while. And there was a name that stood out, it came to me once I'd woken up. But I've no idea who that person is. It needs remembering though - someone is not quite what they seem. Not in my life but in someone else's, I think.

Urgh. You would totally understand ALL of this. I miss you.

Sod it, this is my journal and my feelings go into it, come what may.

'Well, if Peter hadn't caught the wolf? What then?'

2010-06-21T13:31:00.004+01:00

I have had an awesome weekend. Laughs. Talkings. New musical discoveries (thanks to the wonderful Mr. Cookington). Maidstone Wind Symphony at The Exchange in Maidstone. Wokingham Schools Concert at the Hexagon in Reading.

I love the way James talks about music. He feels it right from his stomach, and with every single inch of himself (okay, I've just read that back to myself and it's not supposed to sound as rude as it does!). I only know a few other people like that. Besides that, anyone who has the same name as the Captain Cook is pretty damn awesome by default, let's face it!

I've just listened to Iced Earth's Gettysburg Trilogy in its entirety for the first time in about two years. I still adore it but whilst listening to the rest of that album I couldn't help thinking 'yeah okay Iced Earth; you're patriotic. We get it.' I've never felt like that before. Perhaps I'm just a bit cynical today because I'm feeling poorly and I didn't get the job I wanted. How gutting to be down to the final four/five people going for THREE available jobs and then not get it! It's like getting to the final of the X-Factor and then losing...I'd expect.

Now it's time for some Peter and the Wolf which I haven't listened to properly since childhood. Mum and Dad used to play it to me on an old Vinyl EP. It's bringing back memories. :)

Comfort food pls.

Fin.

'Do not hand that man a blow-torch!'

2010-06-17T19:04:00.006+01:00

'Jules, y'know, honey... this isn't real. You know what it is? It's St. Elmo's Fire. Electric flashes of light that appear in dark skies out of nowhere. Sailors would guide entire journeys by it, but the joke was on them... there was no fire. There wasn't even a St. Elmo. They made it up. They made it up because they thought they needed it to keep them going when times got tough, just like you're making up all of this. We're all going through this.

It's our time at the edge.'

Shame that what he's saying is totally inaccurate. But hey. It was the 80s.

2010-06-17T15:07:00.002+01:00

My father is, this very moment, on the phone to his insurance company complaining about an incorrect sentence formation on their latest policy agreement.

I bloody love you Daddy.

The path of apathy is often the cruelest

2010-06-12T03:04:00.011+01:00

Am I a bigot for believing whole-heartedly that it's wrong to abuse children?

No.

Then what's the fucking difference? Abused children; abused animals. Both feel pain. Both suffer needlessly. There are no excuses. My dog Leo would probably taste good but, you know, I don't think I'll eat him today, thanks. Again, what's the difference? If you eat meat or even drink milk from a major UK supermarket; you are allowing cruelty to animals. Where does your food come from?

Click here and ask yourself: does your meat come from factory farms?

'Angels lie to keep control'

2010-06-11T23:53:00.003+01:00

Wednesday night was pretty wicked, innit bruv. Brrrrap!*And I have found another sense-of-humour soulmate in the form of a Sophie. She's bloody spiffing, she is. Top hole! What what what!

Chatting and coffee with Matt today; lovely as always. He's always made me feel so relaxed. I have the best friends ever. Fact.

Sooooo, football season has started. OH JOY OF JOYS. This confirms me as a non-pubgoer for the next few weeks at least.

I have nothing of interest to say. But lots of look forward to. :)

*don't ever type that word again, Joanna. Please.

'Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. '

2010-06-09T11:07:00.005+01:00

These past few days I have mostly been...

+ Spending time with lovely family who I don't see enough

+ Smoking too many cigarettes (what the fuck is new?)

+ As Dad calls it: Hound perambulation (there is something to be said for Daddy reading the dictionary in his spare time, I suppose)

+ Catching up with old friends (so lovely to see Sharon yesterday!)

+ Trying to figure out the actions of my friends' complicated boy-crushes for them. To no avail. Naturally.

+ Drinking Vodka for the first time in about five years! (And bloody good it was too! Though I must admit the choice of Cherry-aid as an accompaniment was somewhat dubious...)

+ Walking more than the Worldwide Walking Champions. And they walk a lot, I can tell you.

+ Looking forward to Shelli's birthday 'mash-up' ('it's a mash-up! A pie and mash-up!') tonight and to Tom's party on Saturday! Yay!

+ and the usual tiresome rigmarole of job-hunting.

'Most Gods throw dice, but Fate plays chess; and you don't find out till too late that he's been playing with two queens all along' - Terry Pratchett

Sleep shall burn in hell for being the thief of time!

2010-06-06T00:43:00.003+01:00

As my Father mumbles to himself downstairs, shuffling around turning off each plug socket in his neurotic bed-time ritual, I sit here wishing there were enough hours in the day, enough mental juice and concentration, to write down every character, storyline, phrase that runs through my mind.

Never tasted dreadful water after sky had turned to blue.

Anatomy of your enemy

2010-06-05T15:24:00.002+01:00

10 easy steps to create an enemy and start a war:

Listen closely because we will all see this weapon used in our lives.

It can be used on a society of the most ignorant to the most highly educated.

We need to see these tactics as a weapon against humanity and not as truth.

First step: Create the enemy. Sometimes this will be done for you.

Second step: Be sure the enemy that you have chosen is nothing like you.

Find obvious differences like race, language, religion, dietary habits, fashion.

Emphasize that their soldiers are not doing a job;

they are heartless murderers who enjoy killing.

Third step: Once these differences are established, continue to reinforce them

with all disseminated information.

Fourth step: Have the media broadcast only the ruling party's information -

this can be done through state run media.

Remember, in times of conflict all for-profit media repeats the ruling party's information.

Therefore all for-profit media is state-run.

Fifth step: show this enemy in actions that seem strange, militant, or different.

Always portray the enemy as non-human, evil, a killing machine.

Sixth step: Eliminate opposition to the ruling party.

Create an 'Us versus Them' mentality. Leave no room for opinions in between.

One that does not support all actions of the ruling party should be considered a traitor.

Seventh step: Use nationalistic and/or religious symbols and rhetoric to define all actions.

This can be achieved with slogans such as 'freedom loving people versus those who hate freedom.'

This can also be achieved with the use of flags.

Eighth step: Align all actions with the dominant deity.

It is very effective to use terms like, 'It is god's will' or 'god bless our nation.'

Ninth step: Design propaganda to show that your soldiers

have feelings, hopes, families, and loved ones.

Make it clear that your soldiers are doing a duty; they do not want or like to kill.

Tenth step: Create an atmosphere of fear and instability,

then offer the ruling party as the only solutions to comfort the public's fears.

Remembering the fear of the unknown is always the strongest fear.

We are not countries. We are not nations. We are not religions.

We are not gods. We are not weapons. We are not ammunition. We are not killers.

We will not be tools.

I will not die

I will not kill

I will not be your slave

I will not fight your battle

I will not die on your battlefield

I will not fight for your wealth

I am not a fighter

I am a human being.

'She's a magical, mystical womaaannnn!'

2010-06-04T09:12:00.003+01:00

I have just woken up from a dream in which I was helping a God fight a Giant. Pretty fucking cool I must say. It was like a duel in the middle of a battle, everyone stopped and watched us. I was rubbish, haha! He kept throwing this big boulder at me. My role was that of the Shaman. Of course. As always.

Well, this week has consisted of random drinks out with old friends, hair dying, keeping on Daddy's good side (oh yes!), nuptials, endless conversation and laughter, epic falls (and I mean EPIC! I have the scars to prove it!) , spending way too much money on public transport, and meeting of new friends! A bloody good week I'd say, old chaps! What what!

I don't have much of interest to say. Except I almost punched someone at the wedding during the official picture time because he tried taking a photo of my cleavage. He behaved as though I'd be fine with it, as if I should be flattered. Urgh. Fuck off.

I have my interview today. If I don't get the job I'll be annoyed because I could be visiting my peeps in Wolverhampton right now! Fare ye well and a merry path before you all this day!

The battle of the sexes

2010-05-31T14:36:00.002+01:00

Men are taught to never be weak,

and women are taught to always be weak.

The Ballad of me and my friends

2010-05-29T19:16:00.004+01:00

Yesterday was Shelli's first proper gig with Old School Rules. It was in Kingston (London, not Jamaica, stoopid!) and we (Tom, Ryan, Charli, and me) all told her it was just too far to travel and that we couldn't afford it. I will never forget the look on her face when I stood in front of her in the pub garden and said 'surprise!', haha! I would walk over coals (relatively hot ones, too!) to see that happiness and surprise again! There's nothing quite like making your best friends smile and bounce with joy. And I think she cried a little bit. :P

Last night consisted of beer, familiar faces, new faces, punk rock, noisy dogs, and lots of lovely jubbley laughter.

That's my wifey! And you can't have her!

Shelli did a wicked job, as did the whole of Old School Rules. She's an awesome front-woman - the perfect fusion of charm, charisma, and SPUNK! Yeah baby! It's also been fantastic to spend time with Tom again lately, after all these years, because he's pretty damn cool.

So all in all, the past forty eight hours has been bloody smashing.

'Well if you're all about the destination,

then take a fucking flight!

We're going nowhere slowly but we're seeing all the sights.

And we're definitely going to hell

but we'll have all the best stories to tell...'

'And I know I'm not the one who is habitually optimistic...'

2010-05-28T14:23:00.005+01:00

...but I'm the one who's got the microphone here, so just remember this:

Yeah, life's about love, last minutes, and lost evenings

about fire in our bellies and about furtive little feelings

and the aching amplitudes that set our needles all aflickering:

they help us with remembering that the only thing that's left to do is live!

After all the loving and losing, after all the heroes and the pioneers

the only things that's left to do is get another round in at the bar'

Yesterday I saw Faye for the first time in Idon'tknowhowmany years. She gives off such joyful, creative energies. Simply lovely company. And her gorgeous little girl Evie has the most wonderful temperament. Ah, that was a nice day. Shame I didn't get there earlier :P

I have an interview on Friday. Go me!

That is all.

I am a very boring title

2010-05-27T02:30:00.003+01:00

I've just discovered that Hobnobs are Vegan. Get in!

Also, I love the expression 'shit off'. Here's an example of how one can use it in everyday conversation:

Some man - 'Excuse me miss, would you sign my petition to ban England shirts in pubs?'

Me - 'No, shit off.'

I should really get some sleep at some point...

'The women of this country learned long ago that those without swords may still die upon them.'

2010-05-26T11:31:00.005+01:00

Here's what's happening in my....

Dream domains

Well last night I dreamt that Johan Hegg and I went on an adventure, and then we have wild, crazy sex. Now that's more like it.

Creative cosmos

I've found drawings I did years ago of cats all in different positions. I must say they're pretty good. Dad noticed them as he walked through my room and told me I 'have some talent!' How about that? A clear as day compliment from Daddy. Maybe it's because I laughed at his joke about Vanessa Feltz this-morning.

I love my tin whistle and my tin whistle loves me. We play Folkearth and Cruachan together. We make sweet musical love.

Professional pursuits

It looks like I'll have an interview soon. Cross your fingers and pray to your favourite god for me!

Field of friendships

I'm going to see Faye and her little girl Evie tomorrow - Joanna is looking forward to this muchly. Also, it's remarkable how many of my female friends have been plainly messed around lately by men. This is just getting silly. These girls are no fools either. They just refuse to live their life like robots. Like empty shells. What are you guys so damned afraid of? This definitely has something to do with the shift in male/female relations that's happening at the moment (And before you scoff, I am well aware that women are just as capable of such idiotic behaviour as men are! So put that in your cake and bake it!).

'There is no intensity of love or feeling that does not involve the risk of crippling hurt. It is a duty to take this risk, to love and feel without defense or reserve.' - William S. Burroughs

One day, when I am old, unsteady, and dribbley, I'll look back at my experiences, and blame everything bad in my life on Arkona for not including the UK in their current European tour.

*insert witty, colourful sign-off here*

'The world must be peopled!'

2010-05-22T21:29:00.008+01:00

Today was fandabidozie. Yes, that's a word. Hazel, Kevin and the kiddlies came to visit. Those children just wake me up inside. Abbie is simply too clever and colourful for words and Thomas' mind is like some sort of mechanical marvel machine. Today Auntie Jo has spent too long in the sun, sung around a piano (like a Prima Donna, first lady of the staaage!), genuinely lost a child more than once during games of hide and seek, drawn pirates and fairies, and eaten far too much!

Oh. And been called Auntie 'Jew' several times...Why Abbie? Why?

'I see, lady, the gentleman is not in your books.'

'No. An he were, I would burn my study.'

- Beatrice, 'Much Ado About Nothing'

Yes, I read Shakespeare for pleasure. What of it? Blast, now all of my favourite moments are coming to me. Must. Not. Quote!

'BENEDICK - They say the lady is fair. 'Tis a truth, I can bear them witness. And virtuous - 'tis so, I cannot reprove it. And wise, but for loving me. By my troth, it is no addition to her wit - nor no great argument of her folly, for I will be horribly in love with her. I may chance have some odd quirks and remnants of wit broken on me because I have rallied so long against marriage; but doth not the appetite alter? A man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in age. Shall quips and sentences and these paper bullets of the brain awe a man from the career of his humour? No. The world must be peopled. When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think I should live till I were married. Here comes Beatrice.

Enter Beatrice

By this day, she's a fair lady. I do spy some marks of love in her.

BEATRICE - Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner.

BENEDICK - Fair Beatrice, I thank you for your pains.

BEATRICE - I took no more pains for those thanks than you take pains to thank me. If it had been painful I would not have come.

BENEDICK - You take pleasure, then, in the message?

BEATRICE - Yea, just so much as you may take upon a knife's point and choke a daw withal. You have no stomach, signor? Fair you well.

Exit

BENEDICK - Ha! 'Against my will I am sent to bid you come into dinner.' There's a double meaning in that. 'I took no more pains for those thanks than you took pains to thank me.' That's as much as to say 'Any pains that I take for you is as easy and thanks.' - If I do not take pity of her I am a villian. If I do not love her I am a Jew. I will go get her picture.'

-Much Ado 2.3

Oh well. It was worth it.

'How sad it is! I shall grow old, and horrible, and dreadful. But this picture will remain always young.'

2010-05-21T15:32:00.011+01:00

I've come to a general conclusion about writing - It's not what you include that makes a good book, it's what you leave out. Trust your reader to come to some conclusions on their own - too much detail and description just makes things tiresome to read and you'll end up patronising your audience.

This job-hunting thing is bleedin' frustrating. I know exactly what I want to do and I'm perfectly qualified and experienced in the field - why can I not find anything that would take me less than two hours to travel to? 'Tis the god of jobs paying me back for not really bothering to find anything in previous years! Damn yooouuu!

I had a dream the other night that I was in a big studio - like a dance hall or something - and was partaking in some sort of acting class. We were given this exercise to do which seemed simple really: we all had to keep frowns on our faces, no matter what. But then the teachers kept saying hilarious things and playing funny audio clips and so none of us could help but laugh. I remember that I took the whole thing extremely seriously too and I got terribly annoyed with myself that I couldn't keep the frown on my face. Looking back on the dream now I see it as an indication that I find it hard to be anything other than myself these days. Which is a damn good thing. However, as a result, I'm finding it rather difficult to be strictly formal when I'm filling forms out, etc. When I am faced with something like a questionnaire my brain just wants me to splash and scrawl and doodle my personality all over it.

Also, I have randomly remembered that when I was a child, I used to think hamburgers were called 'handburgers'. Mental pictures rule.

So. The Westborough Baptist Church want to picket the funeral (or is it the memorial service) of Ronnie James Dio. Urgh. I don't have much fear of them actually ruining it though: Thousands of passionate heavy metal fans will be there. So good luck with that one.

I've finished reading The Picture of Dorian Gray. Oscar, why didn't you write more books? Please come back to life. You can live in my shoebox or under the bed! We'll take trips to Ireland together and I'll buy you Opium! Pwomise! Then I started watching the 2009 movie 'Dorian Gray'. Which I subsequently turned off. For me the casting was all wrong - Colin Firth as Henry? Please! I'd expected him to play Basil! It just wasn't working. And Ben Barnes gave an alright performance it's just that...Dorian Gray was supposed to be beautiful, eye-catching; not plain and forgettable. And, whilst reading the book, I certainly didn't imagine him as having a bum-chin. 'Nuff said. I also was rather annoyed at the entire atmosphere of the film. Why was it so damned spooky from the offset? The beauty of the book is that it takes sinister twists here and there aiding to build up the tension for Dorian towards the end, but it certainly wasn't a jumpy rollercoaster for the most part. What's that all about? I also hate that they gave away the most climactic part to the nature of the main character right at the beginning. With the book you discovered the different elements to Dorian as he was discovering them himself. I know movies don't necessarily need to follow the books exactly and sometimes this is a very good thing, however the film just pissed on the charming parts of the book for me. That's right, pissed on it. Shame I couldn't include that in an English Lit' essay. Is the only way to show madness, vanity, suspense, suspicion these days a few ominous chords playing throughout a scene? Some originality please! Perhaps I'm just too blasé about anything horrific, and took the mood of the book more lightly than I should have done (Which I didn't - it just wasn't unnecessarily tense the entire way through). Or maybe I should watch the end of the film before making such sweeping judgements (I did watch most of it!). Or maybe I would enjoy movies more if I wasn't such a nutjob about books. Orrrr maybe (as has been my general suspicion for the last few years) Hollywood movies just don't do it for me. More depth plz. Kthx.

'Deconstructing Dorian Gray' by Veronica Jackson

Wow, you didn't actually read all that, did you?

2010-05-16T17:27:00.004+01:00

I knew it would be hard to leave Ben and Ewan but now I'm actually living the distance...and it's horrid.

I want Ewan to call me in his soft voice and ask me a question about football that I couldn't answer even if I had the internet infront of me, I want Ben to look up at me with those intense, brilliant blue eyes and say something cheeky but hilarious at the same time, I want to sit on the sofa and have them run, jump and dance around me oozing that special energy that only children emit. I want bath-times and silly walks and afternoon giggles and squishy cuddles and bed-time stories. I want my boys :(

I cannot imagine what it must be like to have your own children and not being able to see them all the time. It must be five-hundred times harder than this.

Poosticks :(

Friendship is contagious

2010-05-16T14:19:00.009+01:00

Joanna needs...

a jobby! Does anyone on here manage a centre/home for kids with Autism? Anyone?- Didn't think so :(

Joanna has been reading...

Twilight. Ohoho that's right. I'm reading it for research (don't ask), I'm on the last chapter, and the entire book has been pure. comedy. gold. Lawls.

Joanna went to...

Lesley's party last night and had a giggle - even if it was a little depressing (and awkward!) watching her brother drink himself into a babbling stupor across the table. I still don't know what her house looks like, we spent the entire time outside perched on wobbly garden chairs. I hope Vicky emails the photos over soon! ...*insert smiley face here to indicate happiness, etc*...

Joanna has been stalked by...

the chorus of Skyclad's 'Still Spinning Shrapnel' for the last week. Git awt ov ma brayn!

'They made a statue of us

And it put it on a mountain top

Now tourists come and stare at us

Blow bubbles with their gum

Take photographs, have fun'

'nothing that I wouldn't do..'

2010-05-15T14:04:00.004+01:00

How unwise would it be to write about this on my online journal?

Very, actually.

'Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.'

2010-05-15T12:16:00.006+01:00

Thanks for the quote Jim Carrey. You're pretty damn cool.

I'm busy today. Although I'm not going out as early as I thought which gives me time to drink this here coffee and smoke a cigarette. Ah, simple pleasures.

Yesterday I walked EVERYWHERE, wee'd in a bottle (that doctor is some sort of pervert, I'm sure of it), giggled and had good chats with two lovely friends, drank cheap wine, and was insulted by a taxi driver. So all in all, a good day. Also, I might set myself a little photography project taking pictures of everyone's ankles. That's right.

The more I read about Dyspraxia, the more I understand why Ben does some of the things he does. It has made me realise that he's stronger and works harder than most children his age, just with what we would call the 'simplest' of tasks. He's a brave little man. Capable of more than we realise. I love you Ben. You feed my spirit and help keep it alive just by being you.

My world is full of people, my world is full of hope and joy and laughter and spiritual medicine. Just needed to look in the right places.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” ~Anais Nin

'Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as Gods. Cats have never forgotten this.'

2010-05-14T09:48:00.004+01:00

I had a dream last night that I was guest-singing on stage with Frank Turner. And then when we were backstage he tried to cuddle me and sit on my lap like a child. It was weird. I think there's been some sort of mixup on the dreamwaves, as this one should have gone to Shelli Clarkerson. She would have appreciated that a lot more than I did, especially since he had his shirt off for most of the dream. Wasted on me, I tell you! Send the skinny ones to Shelli! Got it?

Hanging out of the window smoking a sneaky cigarette at 3am teaches you a lot about the wildlife around here. I heard what could only be described as a cat orgy, and then the birds went crazycoconuts so perhaps they had some sort of involvement? Who's to know?

I seriously need to get moving today. Not because I have lots of stuff to do (which I do) but because I need to buy tobacco.

Hmm, I think I'll leave anything spiritual to my real-life diary. So if you are interested in that side of things, you'll have to become me for a day...because that's the only way you'd get to read my actual diary.

Good luck with that.

'This country is my canvas, I leave paint-trails as I go'

2010-05-14T01:31:00.004+01:00

Oh yes. She's alive. Where on earth do I start?

I'm not going to do this poncy updatingyouonthelast6months nonsense. A bit of mystery is good for the soul. And boy, there's been plenty of that I can tell thee!

Today, I painted my face with a celticy fairy design, took pictures, filmed a gorgeous girly singing sad songs (yes, I had tears..and bumps made from geese!), laughed until I couldn't breathe, walked like a Jamaican pensioner, and generally felt very very grateful for everything around me. That's right, I'm a woman and I feel fulfilled most at a point in my life when I'm single. Pah, have that, media! Have that, nuclear family! I. am. happy. And I'm not interested in meeting anyone else. So sod off weird guy in a blue van and flirty man in Tesco. Just you sod right off!

It's a quarter to two to the a.m and I really should be asleep. I'm sat here thinking about how much I miss my Wolverhampton homies. Sarah, Jo, Carrie, and all of their children combined (And Kat who has no children...yet!). I have got used to seeing six of my eight favourite children every single day.

When you tell people you read books they instantly assume you're intelligent. Which is not only highly inaccurate but also really quite sad.

That is all.

'Don't blame yourself. Let me do it.'

The diary of a girl in the 21st century

2009-12-29T23:35:00.001Z

'The only way to gain approval is by exploiting the very thing that cheapens me'

' 'Cause if you look deep dreams are nothing that I lack'

2009-12-29T22:14:00.002Z

I'm all talked out for the evening. I just felt I should update this bloggy-wog for once.

Lots has happened, blah blah blah. I'm wondering why we base an entire fucking cultural belief system about mental 'illness' on what a few blokes said a hundred years ago. Screw that. Everyone's insane these days. Everyone who festers in a nine-to-five with a society-imposed dream of marriage and children to smother is safe from the label, but anyone else...watch out!

By the way, 'A Million Voices' by Wyclef Jean is AMAZING. That's right, I don't just listen to songs about the political situation and history of Britain and America. Check me out.

"I am glad that you have shot this footage and that the world will see it. It is the only way we have a chance that people might intervene."
"Yeah and if no one intervenes, is it still a good thing to show?"
"How can they not intervene when they witness such atrocities?"
"I think if people see this footage they'll say, "oh my God that's horrible,"...and then go on eating their dinners."

Gah. I actually can't even explain why I've quoted that. It's too hard.

'with newspaper cuttings of his glory days'

2009-10-11T16:32:00.004+01:00

'The novel is called Richard and will be published in early 2011. It tells the story of Richard Edwards (formerly of the Manic Street Preachers) as he might have told it. Picador called the novel "thoughtful and thought-provoking, and written in a taut yet beautiful tone".'

Oh, and ... :)

Wyrd byð swyðost

2009-10-04T20:44:00.000+01:00

Is fate really inexorable?

2009-08-18T12:06:00.000+01:00

lol the 'rag and bone' men have been shouting 'any old irrooon'!

2009-08-09T12:33:00.003+01:00

Why does everyone think they're some sort of alternative model these days? Black eyeliner and skimpy pvc does not a model make. Self-esteem kicks need to be acquired elsewhere in most cases I've seen.

It's sunny again! In the Midlands! It's an auspicious occassion, I tells thee. I've made a compost heap in the garden, and now we have peppers, chilles and oregano growing. Garden therapy.

I have nothing more to say because I've only just woken up, but Friday promises to be a really good day, and so does Saturday, hooray!

'Maturity's a wrapped-up package deal or so it seems. Ditching teenage fantasy means ditching all your dreams. All your friends and peers and family solemnly tell you you will have to grow up, be an adult. Be bored and unfulfilled. But no one's yet explained to me exactly what's so great about slaving 50 years away on something that you hate; about meekly shuffling down the path of mediocrity. Well if that's your road then take it but it's not the road for me.'

'And that the values and ideals for which many had fought and died

2009-08-04T20:31:00.002+01:00

Had been killed off in the committees and left to die by the wayside'

Really, I'm lucky to have such a supportive family but when you find out you're not invited to a family outing at Chrristmas arranged by your parents it hurts. But what can I do but say 'fuck 'em'? I'm confused and saddened and at the moment, past caring. I'm almost used to feeling like this.

The Gods are still alive and the quicker the world realises this, the happier we'll all be. I'm currently going through a healing process supported, as always, by my faith and the way things used to be. Also, by music: my old saviour. The world awaits me and I'm going to beat it.

The Dagda

2009-08-01T00:44:00.004+01:00

The All father

King of the Tuatha Dé Danann for many years.

Symbols: Cauldron, Harp and the Club.

Click here for more information.

2009-08-01T00:14:00.002+01:00

I'm seriously thinking about checking myself into some clinic or other - every other area of the health service just throws tablets at me and waits impatiently for me to leave.

Hope is a funny word. It's so...complete, and full of promise. Yet it can vanish in an instant, a nano-second for no reason whatsoever. I think I will play it safe by forgetting about hope and sticking purely to wishes.

2009-07-31T23:15:00.000+01:00

I hereby vow to never, ever write a romantic comedy.

Okay, maybe I will do a post about it

2009-07-24T20:54:00.002+01:00

Well...

I just sat here, fingers waiting in anticipation and readiness on the keys, eyes staring at the screen and my mind...it doesn't want to explain. Because there's no putting into words. There's no describing it that doesn't span out to novel-length.

I think I'll save it for my stories.

Or perhaps I still haven't really accepted it myself.

'Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves.'

2009-07-23T16:33:00.004+01:00

GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE!

Happy now? ;)

Aghem...Monday at the Safari was great and Ben came out with a classic as usual: Me - 'well, we;re going to be able to feed the animals out of the windows!' Ben - 'I don't want no giraffe lickin' my Dock car!' We fed deer and giraffes which followed our car, and a zebra tried to enter the vehicle also!

This week has been a good one. Haven't said that in a while. Good good good.

The Old Ways

2009-07-20T01:37:00.002+01:00

...are not entirely lost...

'Jack, do you never sleep?
Does the green still run deep in your heart?
Or will these changing times,
motorways, powerlines,
keep us apart?
Well, I don't think so:
I saw some grass growing through the pavements today.'

Ride on

2009-07-20T01:20:00.002+01:00

I also want Pagan Purity by Elvenking to be part of my funeral. Sod it, I'll have a whole compilation CD. Donations at the door please.

Today confirmed that true friendship transcends time and distance.

Yesterday confirmed that these are NOT the tablets for me.

Tomorrow...who knows. Babysitting all day and we might take the kiddles to the Safari Park. We'll see how much it costs first though! That's right, there are no beaches in the midlands but they have Safari Parks - the mind boggles.

Would the neighbours really mind if I played the tin whistle at this hour? ...

...Damn it, thought so :(

2009-07-17T02:16:00.002+01:00

I want Tull's 'Life's a long song' played at my funeral.

Just for the record.

Last night I came back from Kent after seeing my wifey play her first proper gig. Ialmost cried fro pride, I'm so sodding soppy. Anyway, it was a great first gig and we look forward to more from the faerie herself!

I have a kitten on my shoulder. I'm a girlie pirate.

2009-07-10T01:34:00.003+01:00

The fact that this has anything to do with Michal Jackson or his pet rat is irrelevant. This is for my nephew, my boy, my bestest buddy, for Ben.

The lyrics are so poignant. Especially as he gets older, people see Ben's cheek and not Ben himself. Also, his dispraxia means that sometimes he really is 'running here and there'! Ben brings me to life. Here's to you, you 'plinky-plonk'.

'God only knows what I'd be without you'

2009-07-06T00:39:00.001+01:00

I've just had a long, girly chat with Jo. Some people are so important to me and it's not scary...it's the best feeling in the world.

'following the footsteps of a ragdoll dance'

2009-07-05T13:23:00.002+01:00

Oh Siouxsie. So many memories attached to your influence on my teenage years.

History is a weapon to be used against your own prejudice

2009-07-04T21:27:00.006+01:00

Today saw family, kiddlies and sunshine. This was a good thing. It was wonderful to see Kevin after such a long time.

I'm astounded by the palpable presence of racism from some parts of the city I live in. It makes me physically sick and I refuse to accept these opinions and remain silent about them. I always reply harshly to racist comments and I don't give a fuck if it gets me in trouble. Pfft. I'm too angry to write about this subject sanely or logically.

By the way, Journey = yay. Stadium rock wins today.

So what is there for little ol' me to write about now? I refrain from jabbering on about anything psychiatry related because I refuse to let any illnesses I have define me. It's just something I'm battling through, like cancer or the flu.

I learnt today that in some parts of the world people are still sentenced to death for just a suspicion of witchcraft. Why am I surprised by this? Amin, Pot, Stalin, Hitler: you ain't got nothing on Christianity.

That is all.

'Eyes that watch the morning star seem a little brighter'

2009-06-25T00:33:00.006+01:00

I hate to complain about the NHS. We're so lucky to have something even close to our health system in comparison to many other countries but you know what? I'm going to complain anyway, because when you hear your doctor talking on the phone to a health professional and telling them that the matter is urgent and they must get in touch immediately, you do not expect to wait over a month for a letter telling you an appointment is available over a month from then. I rang them at this point to tell them that when my doctor said this issue is important, it really is important, so they gave me an earlier appointment and I waited two weeks for that letter. They've now put that appointment back. I will make my feelings strongly known when I arrive at the appointment, although I suppose I ought to bloody pray it happens at all.

RANT OVER.

Cor, I haven't listened to Morrissey in ages. *dances*

Tonight I spoke to Ewan on the phone for quite a while. Those kids are like a boiling, steaming pot of energy from which I can drink. Not in an I'MAGOFF psychic vampire type way but in a grounding, inspiring kind of way.

I've also realised that people (including me) use the exclamation mark way too much. It is only supposed to be used for an indication of a command, or extreme emotion or astonishment. So there. Stick that in your punctuation pipe and smoke it. Actually, I'd bloody love a punctuation pipe - those of you who know me well will be all too aware I'd be an addict.

I think that's enough for tonight. Hazel and Kevin are visiting soon with the squiddleyiddleykiddleys and I physically can't wait to see them all! <-extreme excitement.

'Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.'

'Don't wanna be a hollow man'

2009-06-21T22:21:00.002+01:00

Richard Cribben. You were the first resident I really took to at Lennox Wood. Many people didn't understand you but to this day, you were wonderful to me.

I wish I could have known you when you were of stable mind and under less stressful circumstances.

You are not forgotten. You fought for your country but the fight for your mind you lost and I wish I could have done more.

I hope you can hear me.

Wherever you are.

'Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast'

2009-06-19T13:24:00.002+01:00

Heidi-ho campers. Yesterday mum and dad visited and we went to the Black Country Museum, we went down a mine which beat some of my claustrophobia into submission!

I'm so exhauted.

Oh, and I've just seen this. Go Obama!